


The Tale of Grandpappi

by yugimoto



Series: Yami Kills Grandpa [5]
Category: Hell's Kitchen (US TV) RPF, Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types, Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Humor, Multi, Parody, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25436410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yugimoto/pseuds/yugimoto
Summary: Yugi has arrived in Australia for the Card Expo! Too bad his stupid Grandpa had to join along for the ride. But what's this - an Australian spin-off of Hell's Kitchen, starring Chef Ramsay? Could Grandpappi's greasy bacon steal the show?
Relationships: Mutou Yuugi/Yami Yuugi
Series: Yami Kills Grandpa [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842424
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

_ Sydney, Australia… _

After the sheer horror that Yugi Muto experienced on the airplane, the gang landed in Sydney. Yugi was swearing under his breath as he left the gate, while Solomon was leaving a trail of grease as he walked behind the infuriated Yugi. Yami, meanwhile, was inside of his soul room, deliberately ignoring the chaos soon to erupt. It was as if Solomon was a snail. A slimy, greasy, sweaty snail.

“OHHHHH YUUUUGI, I can’t wait for our Australian adventure together!! WEEEEEE!” Solomon danced by his lonesome in the airport. He flopped onto the baggage carousel, sliding down the conveyor belt like a fat seal. He retrieved checked luggage that clearly did not belong to either of them.

“Guys, we need to get out of here now! This is supposed to be our vacation for the International Card Expo. I can’t have my stupid grandpa here to ruin our fun.” Yugi complained. 

“What do you have in mind, Yug?” Joey woofed, scratching his ear with his fursuit claws. Yugi looked back at his grandpa, whose fat body was spinning around the baggage carousel. 

“Finally! A place fit for a pony my age!” Solomon cheered.

“If we run away now, grandpa won’t find us and he’ll just be stuck at the airport while we’re here. He doesn’t know the hotel we’re staying at either. The man is so senile, he will not even find a way out of the airport.”

“Yug...didn’t your grandpa put a tracking device in you...somewhere?”

“I disabled his ridiculous tracking system while he was asleep on the plane. What the—what’s this?!” Yugi flapped his jacket pockets to find bits of his grandpa’s greasy bacon bits lingering in his jacket. He regurgitates instead of snoring whenever he sleeps.

“Whatever...c’mon guys, let’s get out here.” Yugi began to run with his short baby legs. Joey, Tristan, and Téa were out running Yugi (even with Joey running on all fours), leaving him behind. 

“Téa? Tristan? Where’d you—Whatever.” Yugi decided it didn’t matter how his useless friends had gotten there. 

“Wait a minute...my i-Yugi tracker is vibrating..” Solomon’s second i-Yugi tracker starter alerted the delusional grandpa as he saw his baby grandson wobbling to catch up with his so-called “friends” as they attempted to escape the airport.

“YUUUUUUUUUGI WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!!” Solomon screeched like a pterodactyl. He rolled off of the conveyor belt, flopping towards his grandson. Streams of sweat puddled into the airport, and soaked bystanders’ shoes. 

“GRANDPA, LEAVE ME ALONE! I can’t take this anymore! This is humiliating!” 

People stopped to stare at the obese elderly man chasing after the prepubescent-looking boy. A bystander grabbed Yugi’s wrist. “Son, your grandpa seems to be looking for you. Wouldn’t want you to get lost!”

“I’m a highschool dropout, damnit! Let go of me!”

Just as Solomon was in mid-flop, he noticed an advertisement for Hell’s Kitchen, his favorite show to watch while he neglected to take care of Yugi. Yami would occasionally watch it with Grandpa as well because he, too, enjoyed watching Hell’s Kitchen while Yugi was being totally neglected.

“OHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY!” Solomon said as he floated to the advertisement stand. “THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE!”

“Uhmmm, would you like to sign up to be a part of Hell’s Kitchen, sir?” The man at the stand asked. He was also trying not to throw up due to the horrific stench that the old man was carrying on his person. Was that bacon in his own hair? Perhaps all of Solomon’s hair was bacon. It did look crispy and greasy.

“OH YES, I WOULD LOVE TO BE A PART OF MONSIEUR RAMSAY’S SHOW! What would I have to do to be a contestant?” Solomon gleefully asked.

“Well, I need you to sign your name, date of birth, and where in Australia you reside.” The man asked. Solomon was stunned and confused by the word reside. 

“Where I...re-side? Date of birth…? My name…?”

“Where in Australia you live…? When you were born. Sir do you have a driver’s license or other form of ID?”

A shadow crossed over Solomon’s face. His driver’s license was revoked after crashing his Mercedes (it didn’t matter, nonetheless, as it was under Yugi’s name). “My...name. Ah, yes! GUTTENTAG, SIR. My name is Hans Elias Lucas Oskar. I reside in….here.”

“....Here, sir?” The man questioned.

“Yes! In beautiful Osaka, Australia!”

“This is Sydney...sir. Not Osaka..”

“YES THAT’S WHAT I SAID! Now...when do I meet Monsieur Ramsay?”

“Well, we need to validate that you’re an actual…”

Solomon pulled a couple pieces of stale bacon out of his greasy thick hair and slid it to the poor man. He looked disgusted as the bacon was breaking mid-slide and reeking of sweat. 

“Will this speed up the process??” Solomon awkwardly smiled, baring his rotting teeth.

The man started to throw up and that meant yes for the eager Hans Elias Lucas Oskar. He took the papers and began to catch up to his grandson, who was still trailing behind his friends.

Yugi was screaming at bystanders to let go of his wrist. Tristan and Joey stood there like trees, and Téa had wandered off to buy some coffee. 

“Guys! Help!” Yugi screamed. “MA’AM you need to let go! I’m legally an adult! This is assault! This is...not surprising.”

“I’LL SAVE YOU YUUUUUUGIIII!” Grandpa gracefully jumped to save his poor grandson. As he lept, he left sprinkles of grease and sweat into the Australian crowd. The crowd screamed in their thick Australian accents as Grandpa barreled into the crowd, his sweat and odor suffocating the poor citizens. He flopped towards his screaming baby grandson.

Yugi bit the woman’s hand and ran as fast as his baby legs could carry him. Hopefully this would be faster than his obsese grandfather could.

“TRISTAN, JOEY...TÉA! HELP ME!” Yugi yelled, panting and gasping for breath, as his low agility and stamina fought him with every step.  _ Yami...Help?  _

**_I do not think so Yugi, the future is unclear._ **

_ Yami, I’m going to throw the millennium puzzle into the sea if you don’t help me now!! _

_ * _ **_choo-choo*_ **

Yami was distracted with Yugi’s baby toys in his soul room.

_ What are you doing in my soul room!  _

Before Yugi could utter another word, he felt the warm breath that was only his delusional grandpa barreling towards him. 

“WHAT GRANDPA!!!!”

**_BOOM_ **

“OH YUGI, I HAVE GREAT NEWS! I’m the newest contestant in Monsieur Ramsay’s show, Hell’s Kitchen! The Australian version! Isn’t that amazing?!”

“Stupid Grandpa, you’re not even Australian! How in the hell are you going to be a contestant?”

“Oh, please, silly grandson. I may not be Australian,  _ but  _ I can certainly play the part. It’s time to go shopping.”

As Yugi was being dragged around in the streets of Sydney, Solomon noticed a familiar figure in the middle of the park.

“Wait...could it...COULD IT BE?!”

Indeed, it was famous chef, Gordon Ramsay. Or, in the Australian language, Gordon de la Ramsay. Solomon was his biggest fan and knew this was his moment; this was his time to shine. After years of depriving Yugi of basic needs in order to watch Hell’s Kitchen, it was as if his destiny had arrived. Yugi considered biting his grandfather’s hand, but realized that those hands had been nowhere clean in the past century. Solomon immediately let Yugi go out of his meaty, sweaty claws and began to wobble ferociously to the famous chef. 

“Oh, God…” Monsieur Ramsay mumbled to himself.

“GUTTENTAG MONSIEUR RAMSAY!” Grandpa barreled directly into the famous chef, his grease and sweat lingering on the poor man’s clothes indefinitely. “My name is...uhh...Yugi...no, wait, uhh….ah, yes. Hans. I am a native Australian. Yes. Donde estas? Me gusto very mucho Hell’s Kitchen. Me no gusta grandson Yugi.”

Beads of sweat began to pour across the old man’s forehead, as Gordon was utterly confused. However, he did not care and decided to put Solomon in the blue team. Yugi, meanwhile, stood from afar, questioning as to whether he should go back to Domino City. Or if he should move somewhere else entirely. 

“All right, chefs. For your next challenge, I need you to create your best entre. However, this spinning wheel will decide the main ingredient that will be added to your dish.” Ramsay explained.

Solomon looked through the wheel and couldn’t understand any of the words on the wheel, which included: Cheese (excellent with bacon), Bananas (phallic fruit), Bell Peppers (disgusting vegetable), Chocolate (also good with bacon), Eggs (scrumptious protein also a classic partner to bacon), and Salmon (bane of Solomon’s existence). Mako Tsunami had fed Solomon a salmon buffet once. It was unpleasant. As he got the last ingredient, his eyes widened with joy.

“BAAAAAAAACON” He shouted in his head. This was his chance. This was his opportunity to become Monsieur Ramsay’s next executive chef in Sydney at his new restaurant. This was destiny.

Grandpa stripped off his greasy clothes and dressed into his recently purchased lederhosen. The camera crew vomited. The lederhosen were only available in the women’s section, but quite frankly, Solomon preferred the skirt. It was comfortably snug on his bacon folds. Perhaps he should purchase a lederhosen for Yugi in the children’s section? Yugi had looked stunning in the tutu he’d bought him two weeks ago.

“What in the -” Gordon was absolutely appalled. “BLUE TEAM! Can you explain this monstrosity?” he pointed towards Solomon.

“Monsieur Ramsay, I have been waiting for this moment my entire five years of living, as bacon is my favorite food in the entire world!” Solomon shouted. His teammates began to step away, as they too started to smell the horrific stench that was radiating from Solomon.

“Okay...but, why on earth are you wearing a lederhosen?” Gordon replied.

“It’s my favorite piece of native clothing to represent the wonderful town of Australia!” Solomon exclaimed.

“All right... uhm red team, I need one chef to come down to spin the wheel.” Gordon asked.

“NOOOOOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEE” Solomon began to shove and knock down his team with his meaty claws as he wobbled to the wheel of food. He literally crashed into the wheel, sending it flying to the ground.

“Excuse me!! Sir!! I need you to step back in lin—” Gordon was then shoved down to the ground by the overly eager (and sweaty) grandpappi. Solomon tried to move the wheel to the choice of bacon. As he tried to spin the wheel, his greasy and sweaty hands destroyed the wheel and left it in pieces.

“BACON IT IS!!” Solomon began to grab every ounce of raw bacon that his sweaty eyes could see. His grease left a slimy sheen on the raw bacon. He chucked the raw bacon to the blue team, screaming, “TURN ON THE STOVE!!”

Grandpa barreled into the kitchen, his sweat pooling onto the floor. Gordon slipped and screamed onto the floor. Solomon then cranked up the heat on the stove, throwing the bacon into the pan. The bacon quickly caught on fire.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” Gordon screamed. The other contestants went over to the cameras to have their side comment moments.

“The fire gives it a crispy flavor!” Grandpappi roared.

“TURN OFF THE STOVE, YOU MUPPET!!” Gordon yelled at the drenched old man. “JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SHOVE ME TO THE GROUND, DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN BURN MY KITCHEN!”

“Here, Monsieur, have a taste of greatness.” Solomon shoved the small, burnt piece of bacon into the famous chef. Furious and out of control, Gordon took the bacon and slammed it on the table next to the eager Hans Elias Lucas Oskar. As the bacon slammed onto the table, a small speck of the bacon grease ricochet off the table and onto the lips of the angry chef. Suddenly, Gordon was speechless. He never tasted bacon grease before in his entire cooking career, but was infatuated by the delectable sodium filled liquid, that he was left stunned in disbelief. Perhaps this bloody ballistic old man was onto something. He did not understand as to why he was pretending to be German though.

“Sir, this grease is incredible. I never tasted anything like this before..” Gordon spoke in astonishment. He wiped the remaining grease from his lips with his Blue Eyes White Britain card.

“BE STILL MY BEATING HEART, you love my bacon grease, monsieur?? It’s a Muto, I mean...Oskar family recipe.”

“I would love to feature this...bacon grease in my famous restaurant. I choose you, Hans. Let me dismiss all of the other contestants even though it violates their contracts.”

_ “NO!”  _ none other than Yugi Moto screamed. He was watching this all from afar. He stormed onto the stage set, kicking his Grandpa directly in the stomach. Yugi’s foot bounced off. Solomon collapsed onto the ground, wailing like a horse about to be sent to the glue factory. “NO! I’m not allowing this to happen! This man, Hans? Ramsay, he’s not even Australian! His name is Solomon Muto!”

**_Oh, Yugi, what have you done?_ ** Yami tsked.  **_You are about to destroy your poor fat Grandfather’s dreams...I am proud of you._ **

_ Thanks for nothing, you lazy ass spirit! And give me back my damn trains  _

_ and go back to your own soul room. I don’t even care about his dreams, I’m doing it for the principle of it. _

**_Have fun washing your baby star pajamas, kid._ **

_ They burnt down in the fire! Fuck you, Yami. I’m done with the baby star pajamas.  _ “I’m sleeping NAKED from now on!” Yugi screamed to everyone in the vicinity.

Yami sighed, as he looked over at the small gift box he had for Yugi. It was another pair of baby star pajamas. 

Grandpa, meanwhile, was hunched over on the kitchen floor, wailing in pain. “Oh, my stomach! My stomach! I think my water broke!” He wasn’t kidding, to a certain point of view. He kept an extra pouch of Bacon Chateau ‘89 in his stomach for safe keeping.

“Grandpa, are you in heat too?” Joey woofed.

“Get out of here you disgusting furry!” Grandpa cried, sucking his thumb like a baby. “YUUUUUUUUGI! YUUUUUUUUUUGI! Come help your dear Opa!”

“No, Grandpa! You need to tell Gordon the truth or I’ll tell him for you!” Yugi yelled. As soon as Yugi began to take his first baby step to the confused chef, Solomon reached deep into his pockets and pulled out his secret weapon that he swore he would use in dire situations.

“POCKET GREASE!” The battered grandpa tossed on the ground to stop his baby grandson from telling the truth. Yugi slipped immediately and fell to the ground, leaving him unconscious...again. 

**_Hehehehehehe *choo choo* Look at me, the lazy ass spirit, with your trains!_ **

Joey looked at his unconscious friend, and then over to his kinkshaming grandfather. He sighed. He didn’t know what to do. So he got down on all fours and licked Yugi’s face, whimpering. Who else was he supposed to roleplay Alpha and Omega with tonight?

“JOEY, cut it out!” Tristan yelled, punching the dirt. He removed all of his clothes hoping this would help the situation. It was unfortunately laundry day, so Tristan was not wearing briefs. It was his thong. “Yugi, if you wake up, I’ll do that stripper lap dance you like. Please,  _ please  _ wake up, Yugi-poo.”

As this monstrosity was occurring, Solomon rolled over in his slime, groveling for Monsieur Ramsay to accept his offer. He was a true slug.

“I’m so sorry about my grandson, Monsieur Chef. He overreacts whenever a life event happens.” Solomon wheezed. The camera man zoomed in on Solomon’s wrinkly, sweaty, greasy face. “I want to be...the very best...chef.” He cried as small streams of grease ran down his cheeks. His tear ducts were literally replaced with grease.

Chef Ramsay looked down at the pathetic slug of a man. He looked over at the unconscious child, the furry licking the poor child’s face, and the male stripper who was...doing the macarena next to the other two.

“Mr...whatever your name is…” Chef Ramsay frowned. “This grease is...impeccable, but alas, I think you must be disqualified from the show. Your poor grandson may be in a coma at this point.”

“NO!” The furry screamed. “YUGI, PLEEEEASEE!!”

Finally growing tired of all of the screaming, and seeing that Yugi’s soul was still out for the count, Yami took over the body. 

“Stop. LICKING. Me, Joey! Now is not the time for a furry game.” He looked over to Tristan who was still dancing. He sighed. 

Joey screamed upon recognition it was in fact Yami. Then Yami finally recognized Chef Ramsay. “Ah! You are that man from the magic box...the television!” He said proudly. “Chef Ransky, will you sign Yugi’s…. _ my  _ back. I’m a big fan of your work.” He knew Yugi would be pleased. “Or perhaps my chest so I can see it…” 

The chef looked at the pharaoh with disgust, but also admired his hair, as it was more extravagant as his. “I...suppose I will not question as to why you’re now 7 feet taller and have a deeper voice, but, sure.”

Grandpa flopped towards the two. “WAIT!” he cried. “Can you sign my stomach too? Tattoo it!”

“NO!” he roared. “Only for the obviously malnourished prepubescent boy!”

Grandpappi grabbed onto Chef Ramsay’s leg with a vice and started moaning suggestively. “Please…” Salty tears streamed down his face. “I have a body pillow of your likeness, chef monsieur Ramsey. I sleep with it every night, I caress it, and every night I—”

“SOLOMON that is disgusting.” Yami scolded, stepping on him and putting him back into his place. 

“Don’t forget the safe word, guys!” Joey chimed.

“ENOUGH! I’m trying to get an autograph from Gordon Rams-” 

The chef was already two blocks down, as he didn’t have time to deal with their nonsense. 

“NOOOOOOOOOO MONSIEUR WAAAAAAAAAIT” Solomon began to barrel towards the frightened chef.

“Yugi will be so disappointed when he wakes up.” Yami muttered. He went over to Tristan, who was the only one not acting like a literal animal. He was clearly the Alpha in the furry roleplay. Téa was not there, and apparently they had managed to leave her at the airport. He shrugged. “Tristan...put your pants on. The furry roleplay is over.”

“Ah, ah, ah, phawoah, what is the safe word?”

“MIND CRUSH!” Yami screamed, and Tristan collapsed onto the ground.

Gordon looked behind him and saw the fear-induced old man barreling towards him. He ran across the street to create more distance from Solomon. As he crossed the street, Solomon unraveled from his barreled state and began to wobble with haste across the streets of Sydney.

“MONSIEUR RAMSAY, WHAT ABOUT MY GREEEEEEASE?!” As Solomon was about to start crossing the street, a lamborghini ran right into the wheezing old man. 

“YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIIII” The greasy old man whaled, as he bounced directly off the car and flew across the sky and into the ocean.

“What in the world was that?” none other than Snoop Dogg muttered in his weed-induced lambo. He had only run over Gustavo Rocque an hour ago. 

“YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII” 

_ YUGIOOOOOOH. _

Yugi then woke up, not remembering what had happened to him. He looked around. “Where am I? Ugh, did Joey lick my face again?” He asked.

“You’re right here with us, pal!” Tristan quickly put back on his clothes, so Yugi wouldn’t notice. “Joey didn’t lick you, that’s just...your sweat?”

“Oh, alright. Where’s Grandpa?” Yugi asked. His friends all shrugged as they could still hear the echoes of Solomon’s cry for his grandson in the Australian sky.

“Well, we shouldn’t be too far from the International Card Expo. Let’s get going!” Yugi cheerfully said. His moment of unconsciousness had made him more forgiving and more like his old self. He smiled. 

As the friends walked to the convention center, a huge splash came upon the sea. Only to follow what would be a huge tidal wave that started to make its way towards the city of Australia.

“Oh my gosh! What is that?!” A man yelled in fear.

As the wave began to form even more, the crowd noticed a short, stubby, and greasy figure at the top of the wave.

“I’M COMING YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIIII!!”

**_End of Chapter One_ **


	2. Yugi and Yami Break Up over a Baby Train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...?

August 8th

Dear Diary,

I’m in Domino again after my trip to the International Card Expo. I came back to the rubble that was once my stupid grandpappi’s game shop. Joey offered me his dog bed in his tiny apartment, but even though I fit in it perfectly, I was thrown out the doggy door by his father, who is clearly not a fan of the furry roleplays we would always do together. I slept on a bench today next to Tristan. He had been kicked out of his own house after his divorced parents decided neither of them wanted him. Fortunately, he’d made a lot of money as a stripper, so hopefully if we pool my insurance money and his filthy money we’ll be able to rent somewhere. Tea says “I” can sleep in her room, but really only Yami is allowed to be in her presence. 

I don’t know where my stupid grandpappi ended up after he was hit by Snoop Dogg. I wish I could have gotten his autograph, but he immediately drove off after the accident. It’s been nice not having to deal with my stupid grandpa. I can finally feel like my anger issues are slowly slipping away. What the...there’s some rustling on across the bench. It must be a squirrel or something. 

Well, for now I guess I’ll end this entry. Thanks for being here diary. You’re the only constant in my life aside from the pharaoh who mocks every word I write. I really hope he does not find this diary. He already did, but I pretended like it burnt down in the last fire.

-Yugi

**_This is pathetic, Yugi. Can’t I opt out of our “friendship?” At times, I do wish you never solved the Millenium Puzzle; your bitching really takes a toll on me._ **

_ Shut up, Pharaoh!! I...thought we were more than friends. _

**_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH_ **

August 9th

Dear Diary and Yami apparently,

I just had my first breakup. I think this is the end of the road for me. Tristan almost strangled me to death in his sleep, because he thought I was a teddy bear. Even when he awoke, he still tried to strangle me. I don’t know why. But regardless, I decided to leave the park to find somewhere else to live. I’m considering letting Yami take over full time and retreating to my soul room for the rest of eternity. At least he’d have a place to sleep.

-Yugi

**_By the way, Yugi. The wheels of your dumb choo-choo train are completely destroyed after I got mad at your stupid grandpa when he was making a fool of himself in front of Gordon Ramsay._ **

August 10th

Dear Yami,

Since you’re ignoring me now and only writing in *my* diary, I guess I’ll start addressing these to you. You seriously made me cry when you told me you destroyed my trains for no good reason. I am an 18 year old man, but these are *my* trains! Get the h-e-l-l out of my soul room you female dog! I can’t believe you dumped me and thought our whole relationship was platonic! I thought my grandpappi was delusional. Fuck you, pharoah. Have fun inhabiting my body without me. I’m going to my soul room and LOCKING THE DOOR!

After Yugi slammed his diary closed, he kicked Tristan off of the bench dramatically. As he was walking, he accidentally bumped into a slender, middle-aged man. 

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t see you because I was...reading this new book I picked up. I must have gotten too into it.” Yugi apologized.

“It’s okay,” the middle-aged man smiled at the awkward elementary-school child, “My name is Nathan Fielder and I’m on my way to this...game shop that was burned down a couple months ago...well, actually, it’s been burned down multiple times now. Do you know where I can find it?” Nathan asked awkwardly. His social skills weren’t up to par. But then again, neither were Yugi’s.

Yugi pointed down the street. “You’re only a few blocks away. Just walk straight, and it’s the big pile of ash that smells like burnt bacon. Be careful, you may slip and slide on some grease and sweat.”

As Nathan left, Yugi mind shuffled with Yami and retreated to his soul room, where he planned to stay there for the rest of his life. His body was the pharaoh’s now, and he meant this in a completely non-sexual manner—at least that’s what he’d rewired his brain to believe. He’d just play with his baby toys and video games until his body met the end of its life. If only the stupid Pharaoh hadn’t destroyed his trains! “Choo-choo,” he said sadly to himself, pushing the wheel-less train across the floor. “Chugga chugga chugga chugga…choo.” The train immediately fell into rubble, just like his grandpa’s game shop.

~uWu~

The Pharaoh breathed a sigh of relief as he finally was in control. Although he missed destroying Yugi’s soul room, which was composed entirely of baby toys, he could now damage Yugi’s physical bedroom instead...Or he’d be able to if it hadn’t already been destroyed by the fire. What was he supposed to do now? There was nobody in sight to duel and he had no other life skills. The last thing he also wanted to do right now was go to Tea’s bedroom to sleep. She grated on his nerves with her whole speeches about friendship and whatnot. Yawn.

**_Yugi...Yugiiiiiiii...._ **

He received no answer. Perhaps he shouldn’t have vandalized his partner’s diary and rejected his romantic and sexual feelings that they’d established to be mutual. He was only doing so to spite him. That was actually...kind of not even funny on his part. But hey, there’s no escaping the friendzone, and now that he’d put Yugi in it, he didn’t anticipate his partner being able to escape it. 

He walked towards the pile of ash, only to then stumble into none other than Nathan Fielder.

“So, what I’m thinking,” he said, gesturing to his camera crew, “Is that this game shop actually....sells games...instead of being a pile of dirt. Maybe the owner can play it up like it’s an outdoor shop. Like a food truck. But for games and cards. And with no cart or merchandise really.”

“You know, that actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea. This game shop has been a disaster ever since it was built by my stupid grandpa.” Yami said under his breath, a hint of bitterness creeping in as he mentioned the greasy, sweaty Solomon. He continued to push his lousy train. He then tuned out the outside world. Yami could go fuck himself.

“Perfect. I just need to clear this up with the owner first.”

“Actually, the owner has.. _ tragically,”  _ he snorted, “Disappeared after Snoop Dog hit him with his lamborghini in Australia. Very, very heartbreaking, indeed.” Yami gleefully spoke.

“Oh, well I’m confused. A man called me on a payphone about two hours ago to meet him here at his game shop. He was breathing quite heavily, though, so maybe I misunderstood him?” Said Nathan.

“He...called you?” Yami spoke in shock. At Nathan’s nod, he asked, “And when did he say he’d be here?”

“...four o’clock…”

Yami ran over to the nearest stick and thrust it into the ground.

“What...What are you doing….?”

“I am TRYING to tell the time!”

“You’re wearing a watch on your wrist—”

“In  _ MY  _ day we used the sundial to tell the time!” He barked, looking at the shadow the stick cast.  **_Damnit, only a half hour until this menace shows up._ ** Yami fled the scene. Fuck it, he’s fleeing to Egypt. He would run as fast as Yugi’s baby legs could carry him—not very fast, but at least he had a head start this time.

~uWu~

_ The Day Before _ ….

“Look, Mom! It’s a whale that washed up to the shore!” 

“Get away, Billy!! That’s not a beached whale! That’s an old, fat man!”

The crusty eyes of the old man began to open, as he couldn’t barely move. His mouth was as dry as the sand he was laying on. He had a pounding headache as well.  _ Oh no... _ he realized. Grease withdrawals. 

“Must...have….bacon…” The old man grumbled. He reached into his pockets, but alas, no bacon or Bacon Grease Chateau ‘38 was to be found. His eyes widened in sheer horror. “ _ NO!”  _ he cried out, clearly more concerned for his lost bacon than his lost grandson. “ _ NO!”  _ he wailed, flopping on the beach like a seal. He stripped out of his clothes in order to flop faster to the ocean. Beachgoers screamed. The deranged old man dove into the sea like a whale and began swimming north. 

“I’M COMING SWEET BACOOOOOOOOOON” The old man shrieked as salt water filled his lungs. He was immune to drowning because he had once been the lover of a Freaky Fish Guy. He’d grown gills from all of the salty bacon grease. He was basically a mutant at this point...a quite overweight mutant. As he washed up on the closest land he could find, he rolled into the sand and bumped into a group of women.

“HELLO LADIES, do you have BACON for Grandpa?”

The ladies screamed and pepper-sprayed the greasy man before punching him directly in the stomach, only for his stomach to bounce-back like a beachball.

“Hmmmm, maybe this is the ingredient I’m missing from my newest addition to Bacon Grease Chateau..” The delusional old man pondered, while ignoring the screams of the beachgoers around him. The police drove its way onto the beach to stop the greasy, flappy old man from causing more havoc. 

“Alright, freak!! Hands up where we can see them!” The police ordered as they pointed their guns at him. 

“I’m so sorry, officers. I just really need bacon or else I’ll go through some serious withdrawals. I promise, I am not on drugs! I am just...deprived of my true love.” Solomon responded. The smell of old bacon and sea water began to make its way to the officers and they had no choice but to open fire on the old man.

“Tasers, men!!” 

The tasers began to make its way towards Solomon, as he was walking towards the officers. The taser points made its impact on the old man in the stomach and caused an incredible bacon grease to electric reaction. Solomon rebounded immediately and began to ricochet off the police cars like a pinball. 

“Hit the deck, men!!”

Solomon’s speed became so fast that as he hit the last car, he flew off the car and went flying into the sky...again.

“I think it’s a good time to retire.” 

Solomon screamed as he flew through the sky, heading towards none other than Domino City! He belly-flopped through the nearest coffee shop, crashing through the walls and flopping onto the counter. He rolled over to the floor, squeezing his remaining juices from his stomach and sighing in relief. The barista immediately ran to the back room, presumably to call the authorities.

~uWu~

Yami ran into the ocean. He didn’t know where Egypt was relative to his current position, but he assumed his intuition would take over. How far would he have to swim? He didn’t know but he was Pharaoh. He’d figure it out somehow. He’d follow the stars once it was nighttime. According to his sundial it wouldn’t take much longer.

**_Yuuuugi….Yuuuuuuuuugiiiiiii_ **

Again there was no answer.

**_Yugi, I’m going swimming even though I don’t really know how to, and my puzzle is heavy. In MY day, Pharaohs did not swim. We used our sundials to determine the time, and we even had boats. There were a lot of snaaakes, Yugi. They hissed, like hissssss. Swimming was not a good idea._ **

Still, Yugi remained silent. Yami couldn’t sense his presence.

**_I’m going to swim aimlessly to my homeland. I might drown, Yugi. We both may end up facing the afterlife. After all, if it is a cloudy night, I cannot use the stars for directions. Or...maybe you will face the afterlife…I may be confined to the puzzle for all eternity._ **

Yami waded further into the salty sea. He wished he knew what time it was. How much longer until the sun set? When would the sun rise again? Where was Tristan to provide this information? His sundial must have some technological malfunctions. Like not being able to go into the ocean. It was a pretty sedentary piece of technology. Yami knew one thing, though.

It was time to duel. 

It was always time to duel.

**_Yugi! Come out, it’s time to duel!_ **

There was no answer. 

A wave washed over Yami and knocked him into the sand. He then realized, as he was being pulled into a riptide, that this had been a bad plan. 

**_Yugi! Yugi! Yugiiiiii! We are truly in danger._ **

The pharaoh really didn’t know how to swim. Neither did Yugi, really. 

**_Yuuuuugi, with our dying breaths I want to admit I was WRONG. I do love you. In a more-than-friends way, Yugi. I—_ **

The riptide then crashed into the nearby coffee shop, sending the Pharaoh crashing through the wall. Until he realized...he wasn’t entirely alone in this wall.

“ _ OOOOOOOOOOHHH YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! _ ”

“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!” Yami screamed openly.

“YES YES YES YES! I’ve found you, my dearest grandson! Help your poor grandpa out of this wall.” Solomon asked as his stomach juices kept dripping on the tiles of the coffee shop.

Chapter ?

Yami looked to the side in horror. There, stuck in the same wall was the wheezing, greasy, sweaty old man that was Solomon Muto. He wondered how the greasy pig hadn’t slid through the hole and freed himself, after all, he was as slimy as butter. 

“YUUUUUUUGI!”

“I’m not Yugi,  _ damnit. _ ”

“You sure are talking like him now, Grandson!” Solomon pleaded while wiggling his stubby penguin legs in the air. 

“Solomon, in  _ MY  _ day _ — _ ”

“Ah, yes, nevermind. You are definitely the  _ other  _ Yugi. The imaginary boyfriend who sent me to the mental hospital instead of the regular one. What have you done with my little baby grandson, you parasite?”

“Don’t call me a parasite!! We were trying to escape from you to begin with. Some guy named Nathan wanted to fix your stupid game shop, which, by the way, is a pile of dirt.” Yami grumbled.

“ _ OH YES _ , I saw his program on the tube after seeing what he did to those businesses. It would be a dream come true if he could transform our successful game shop to a bacon emporium!” Solomon was drooling all over the window. Yami turned away in disgust.

“First of all, your game shop went bankrupt nine separate times. Secondly, why on earth would anyone in this city want to go to your stupid bacon emporium?”

“I already have the jingle in my head to promote our new business, grandson! It goes like this…BACONBACONBACOBACONBACON WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LALALALALALALALALA” 

Yami began to claw his way out of the brick of the coffee shop to prevent his ears from bleeding due to Solomon’s shrieks. His eyes were watering alone from the mere stench of Solomon. 

**_Yugi, please take over. I understand now why you are still so depressed and angry all of the time. I thought I solved your problems with the last shadow game, but that clearly was only temporary._ **

_ You destroyed my trains. I’m never talking to you again, Pharaoh.  _

**_THEY’RE JUST BABY TRAINS. I CAN’T HELP THAT THEY ARE HORRIBLY MADE AND THE WHEELS IMPLODE. WHAT USE DO YOU HAVE FOR SUCH TRAINS? IN MY DAY, WE HAD NO TOYS. WE PLAYED WITH SAND, YUGI. Sand. I lived in EGYPT. There were no good toy trains then. Perhaps, I will throw this body back into the water and go to my soul room. Do you know what’s in there? Of course you do! Empty rooms, because I am empty inside._ **

_ You also have some photos of Joey snuck into the second room. Didn’t think I knew about that, huh? _

**_They’re photos from our threesome furry games, Yugi! You are in them too! I can assure you, Joey was the Omega and I was the Alpha. You were the Beta._ **

Before they both could mutter one more useless argument to prove their point, the coffee clerk walked back into the chaotic mess that was caused by the pharaoh and his slimy grandpa. 

“There they are, boss.”

Walking out of the doors was the owner of the coffee shop they routinely destroyed. It was none other than  **Kreepy Kaiba** himself.

“Oh great, you two dweebs again. Get out of my coffee shop before I call the cops or worse, my blue eyes ultimate dragon.” 

“Kaiba, I beg of you to help me.” Yami said, eyes glowing. “I am stuck next to a sociopath.”

“Hmph, I don’t think so. Maybe if you would have—”

“I am pregnert.” Solomon Muto said, patting his round stomach. 

The whole room stopped and stared at the old man who was dripping a mixture of sweat and grease from both his forehead and beard.

“Maybe you should have dueled me back in Battle City when I asked and you would be freed from my walls you destroyed.”

“OOOOOOOOH, I’m giving birth.” Solomon moaned. “I don’t know if a pony my age can take it!” What he really meant was that deep in his pony bowels was the largest crap he would have ever produced in his entire thousand year life. This was one of the many side effects of eating bacon for every meal. “Help me, Shawn—I mean Yugi...Pharaoh. I am pushing with all of my might. I have no epidural!”

“Dear Ra, help me...Kaiba, if you let me go, I’ll duel you. Okay? Just get me out of here before Yugi’s grandpa...gives birth to Mako’s freaky fish creatures. I did not realize that men like this fat lard could give birth! I did not realize that medical science could come this far. In  _ my  _ day, women used the sundials to give birth.”

“YUUUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIIIII HELPPPPPPPPPPP!” Solomon moaned, his stomach expanding...most certainly from the carbo-load.

But Yugi refused to answer. 

“Yugi, won’t you at least help me...Aibou? Partner? Yuge-poo?” Yami said. But there was no answer. He began growing concerned for his Aibou. Was he dead?

“.....Fine.” Kaiba walked over to the struggling pharaoh and pulled him out of the brick wall. Leaving his expecting grandpappi to remain stuck in the brick wall.

“Please, somebody! Help Grandpa! I am giving birth!” Solomon wailed. “Mako is the father!”

Yami ignored him completely and followed Kaiba outside the shop to have their long awaited duel. Meanwhile, Solomon was screaming and sweating inside of the brick wall, until he finally plopped out. He rolled onto the floor, grasping his abdomen in agony. Perhaps he was not 10 cm dilated yet. He would wait; surely Yugi would come to his rescue to deliver him and Mako’s lovechild.

uWu

Suddenly, Yami felt Yugi’s presence. Though Yugi didn’t say anything, he could detect a hint of emotion. It was one he couldn’t empathize with, however.  **_Jealousy?_ ** He looked over at Kaiba. Then he smirked.

“Why, Kaiba…” Yami smiled deviously. “You are so...uhh…” Yami did not compliment others often. In  _ his  _ day, his worshippers would compliment  _ him _ , often by kissing his feet. Pharaohs did not flirt. How did he ever flirt with Yugi? Normally, he just insulted his Aibou. Should he kiss Kaiba’s feet?  _ No!  _ Too demeaning. 

“What, Yugi?” Kaiba barked.

“Come and kiss my feet, peasant Kaiba!” He roared like a lion. “Perhaps if you are good I will do to you what Mako Tsunami did to that pathetic man in the wall.”

“.....For my first move, I’ll place one card down in defense mode. That’ll end my first turn. Your turn, loser.” Kaiba said, whipping out his duel disk. “And YUGI! I am no uke, make no mistake. I also do not like the M PREG genre. Also, your Grandpa is clearly constipated, there is absolutely no chance he is pregnant with the fish man. Try again, dweeb.”

Yami was left confused, with no option in sight. He was not an effective flirt. He almost felt ashamed of himself. 

“Hey Yuge! What’s goin on?” woofed Joey Wheeler from the other side of the street. He was currently on a walk.

“Leave us, Joey! It’s for your own good!”

Suddenly, Yami felt Yugi’s presence rapidly increasing.

_ DON’T YOU EVER TALK TO JOEY LIKE THAT _

**_What th—_ **

_ Joey is our friend, Yami! How dare you insult him by telling him to leave when all he is trying to do is help. _

**_Would you like to take over, Yugi?_ **

“Ehhhh, you okay, Yuge?” Joey woofed. He scratched his ear with his hind leg. “I think your Grandpa is giving birth to a litter!”

“Silent, Omega slave!” Yami screamed. A crowd had formed, and people were beginning to walk away in disgust.

Joey whined, “I don’t wanna play furry games anymore! You’re being mean today Yuge!”

Meanwhile, a loud roar was heard in the distance. In came Solomon Muto, rolling towards the group of furry freaks, clutching his belly in anguish. “I AM GIVING BIRTH! HELP ME, YUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!”

Kaiba cleared his throat. “Are we still dueling?”

“YOU’RE NOT GIVING BIRTH, SOLOMON!”

“EXPLAIN YOURSELF, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW” Kaiba yelled while turning his head left to right. Kaiba always loses his sense of direction whenever he gets angry. 

“I am the alpha pharaoh!” Yami roared. “You can be my new beta and my new omega, since both seem to have left me. You are my new furry slave!” Yami screamed. “I place Kuriboh in defense mode, and one card face down!”

“Finally..I place Rude Kaiser in attack mode. Say goodbye to your useless Kuriboh, Yugi.”

“HEY DAT’S MY CARD!” Joey woofed aggressively. “Dat jerk. He musta stolen it when I fell asleep on his lap last night.”

“OOOOOOOOOOOH CRAAAAAAAAMPS. Help your dear grandpa, Yuuuuuuuuuuugiiiiii!” Solomon pleaded while trying to hold down a bacon stenched belch. He was sweating profusely (as per usual), and his bacon grease was puddling beneath him.

“Yugi, you’re going to have to deal with this. I have reached my limits. I have tried flirting with your friends and rival, I have tried insulting your friends, and I have threatened our lives. I have apologized. I give up. I don’t know what else to do.” Yami put his palm on his deck, forfeiting the game.

“You can’t be serious. The “king of games” just throws in the towel just because his insane, sweaty, greasy grandpa claims that he’s giving birth. This is embarrassing.” Kaiba chuckled.

“Absolutely none of this had to do with that disgrace of a human being. I did this for the love of my life, Yugi Muto.”

“...uh...that’s you…”

“NO!” Yami yelled. “I am his soulmate. Yugi, please...talk to me again. Who am I without you”

Grandpa then barreled into Kaiba, sending him crashing into the ground. “THAT IS ENOUGH! I AM A PRAGNART MAN WHO NEEDS ATTENTION!” Solomon flopped onto Kaiba’s body like a fish, crushing him with his body.

“PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Tristan screamed from absolutely nowhere. “Breathe, Grandpa, breathe! Now PUUUUUUUUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Grandpa “pushed” but to no avail. Kaiba screamed in agony as Grandpa’s belly (and stench) was suffocating him.

“Get off me, hobo!!” Kaiba struggled as beads of grease dripped on his new Kaiba Corp jacket. 

Yami decided to use this opportunity to clearly cheat during the duel and win. Yes, he had surrendered. But Kaiba hadn’t said “no takesies backsies.”

_ Yami… _

**_Yugi!_ **

_ You’re such a prick. _

**_Yes...I am a prick. Won’t you take control of this body? I promise I won’t vandalize your diary. Yugi...There have been so many issues I’ve had to deal with. I am only good at playing games, and I’ve come to realize that life is no fun. It is no game. In fact—_ **

_ Please stop monologuing. _

**_...Forgive me, please?_ **

There was a pause. 

_...If you fix my train, we’re square. _

**_I will attempt with all of my might to fix your train, Aibou._ **


End file.
